The Squirrel diet

So, I've decided to jump on the health-food bandwagon. O.k., not really. I decided to try some alternative medicine with supplements and a different diet and stuff. First, I had to do a saliva test. Yes, I actually had to collect my spit all day long. I also had to do another similar test that rhymes with spit, but comes out the other end. The instructions for this made my mom laugh so hard she was crying. I may do a separate post on this and their fabulous directions.

Anyway, on to the diet. For the first 3 weeks, I had to drink this nasty supplement shake (which I only threw up once, thank you very much). that looked a lot like the stuff we feed the cows. However, I got both chocolate flavored and blueberry vanilla flavored. Don't be fooled by the flavorings--I have a pet peeve about flavoring nasty things. It doesn't really cover the nasty taste, it just adds a different taste with the nasty taste, so it is still nasty.

I also had to change my diet. I couldn't eat any beef, pork, dairy, wheat products, rice, eggs, corn, tomatoes, potatoes sugar, artificial sweetener, or any other thing that you'd actually want to eat.

The question remains, what do I eat. My normal diet consists of beefy products, combined with tomato sauce or soupy stuff with some noodles or biscuits thrown in. I am also very fond of ham.

Let's break down a few meals that I frequently eat to see if what is left--Sunday dinner: Roast--can't eat. Potatoes--Nope. Corn--No. Gravy--no, it has cornstarch or flour to thicken it. Fruit Salad--At last, something I can eat.

Supper--Strogonoff (sp?): Beef--no. Noodles--No. Milk--No. Flavor Packet/can of soup--No Again. Onion--Yes. Chocolate Milk: No chocolate, no milk. Green Beans--yes.

What have you gathered from this list? Have you figured out what I can eat? Does my diet consist of Fruit, Onions, and green beans? Only partially. I can have raw nuts, except peanuts. Fresh Fruits & Vegetables (Did you notice the serious lack of vegetables in my proposed meals. I'm not generally a big fan of fruits and vegetables), Almond Milk, Quinoa and Buckwheat, Almond Butter (which is definitely not as good as Peanut Butter) & limited Turkey and Chicken. So, except for the Turkey and chicken, I can eat what a squirrel eats--hooray for me! I eat a lot of nuts, vegetables and fruit, as well as stir fry with quinoa. P.S. Sometimes almonds go bad and taste like almond extract.

Pluses: I'm not as swollen, I've lost ten pounds, My clothes fit better.
Minuses: There is no flavor in my diet, everything is bland, & nothing tastes good. They kept telling me that they were going to add food in, and then didn't because I still didn't feel good. Finally, yesterday, they added beef, tomatoes, and eggs, that I get to try one at a time to see if they make me feel rotten. I had a hamburger for lunch today, so we'll see.

I'm also supposed to eat every two to three hours, which is hard for me to remember, but I've been doing pretty good.

The next question--do I feel better? The last two days I have, but I'm cynical and don't trust that because sometimes I feel good for two days when I'm not on the squirrel diet.

By the Numbers

2--Nieces I got with 3 hours and 5 minutes of each other
127-- Water Sheets I entered
105--Minutes it took me to enter above Water Sheets
4--Approximate times my Mom called me at work today
13--Number of other phone calls at work today
1--packages sent to the G-House crew in Oregon
1.5--Days until I leave to see Da in Montana
40--approximate number of ants I have killed on my desk with my Pointer Finger!

Orneriness

Dear World,

Today, I am ornery. I just thought that I should let you know, as most people can't figure out that I'm ornery because I'm still smiling.

Why am I ornery, you ask?

1. Because I spent 45 minutes on the phone with Credit Card services with them trying to explain how my card could be declined when I overpaid my bill. They took the block off of my card, and still could not give me a satisfactory answer.

2. I have to pay bills at work today.
--some company just sent us bills from last year. Like we can remember what they did for us that long ago! Makes it hard to verify the bill.

3. An employee told me he has a couple of questions ( I know, sounds stressful.), which I should be happy about because this is an improvement over the chewing out I got from him on why the company was ripping him off by requiring him to pay back his advance like he was told he was going to have to do.

4. Loo left.

5. People come into my office when I don't want them to and want me to be nice and I don't always want to be nice.

6. I don't know what to get Da for Christmas.

7. Because I want to be ornery. That's a good enough reason, isn't it.

Ornery regards to you.

Moo

P.S. maybe in my next post I'll write about happy things--maybe not.

The untagged

So, I'm participating in my cousin Eliza B's untag.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet, current car): Onion Prius--doesn't real sound like a good one. It sounds more like an advertisement for a new odor of car freshener
2. YOUR GANGSTA STAR NAME (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Chocolate Almond Asics--depends how you pronounce the last part, whether it would work or not.
3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favorite color, favorite animal): Blue Cat. Boy, that sounds fierce.
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you where born): Rachel Payson. This one does actually sound like a soap opera name, I must admit--I must be destined for greatness in bad T.V.
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (first three letters of your last name, first two letters of your first name):Greme--Maybe they got the name of the Gremlins this way.
6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green lemonade--saving the thirsty around the world with dyed beverages!
7. NASCAR NAME (the names of your grandfathers): Earl Wallace--just wanted to make it unnatural for those of you who know my family.
8. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (your 5th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Johnson Jakarta. Johnson is kind of a manly name. I hope that I don't need to change genders to have this job.
9. SPY NAME (your favorite season/holiday, favorite flower):
Fall Lily--Companion to the Fall Guy, only better than he is.
10. CARTOON NAME (favorite fruit, article of clothing you are wearing right now): Peach Hoodie. I think I'm going to be the next character on Strawberry Shortcake. There may be a brawl to oust the current peach character, if there is one.
11. HIPPIE NAME (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Honey Bunches of Oats Maple. I think perhaps that would be a new kind of cereal rather than a Hippie name. It's a long name for a Hippie to remember in their psychedelic state.

Remember, Green Lemonade will quench that thirst you have.
signed, Peach Hoodie

P.S. You're going down Peach Blush!

As is the tradition with this, I tag No One.

Fun, fun, fun

I know, I know. It's about time I posted again. I thought that I would post about my fabulous weekend that I had, as well as other happenings. I went up to SLC to pick up a work project and then spent the rest of the day shopping with Ma and Loo. We finished about 10:30 p.m. The next morning I had the maintenance done on my car, which only took an hour-and-a-half, (I know the punctuation is screwy on that phrase) even though we got there at our appointed time. When we got back in the car, it stunk to high heaven. We thought perhaps they had just spilled oil, so we rolled down the windows and aired out the car. We returned to Loo's house, and I chatted with S.Q. who was there for a few minutes, and then I went to hang out with Ark. Ark and I commenced with more shopping as that is what we do best together. We didn't actually accomplish a lot, but I did get a fabulous new coat that is sort of a lime green, or as FarmerBoy says "the color of a baby's poop after he's eaten strained peas". I like it--the coat, not baby's poop. I would post pictures, but my camera batteries are dead, so I cannot take a picture. Anyway, following our shopping expedition, we picked up the illustrious and cold-medicine doped MBC, before picking up pizza and going to the new Bond movie. It was good, but not as good as the last. It's hard to beat the initial chase scene in Casino Royale.

Moving on with the week. Work has been pretty slow, though I've had to deal with several angry people. I was very polite on the phone, though I was thinking mean thoughts in my head. Also, Pa looked at the car this morning and discovered that the oil cap had been left off when the oil was changed. I was not amused, nor was I impressed. I took the car to the proper place to have the oil changed (most of you know where that is), and they screwed it up. I called them up on the phone, was polite as usual, and proceeded to make the dealership aware of their error, and that they would need to come down here to fix the problem, as it was quite a distance to drive. They were happy to oblige, as they probably didn't want me suing them. When the technician got to the house, he apparently thought that it was clear out in the middle of nowhere (D'ya think? Why did you think I wasn't about to bring the car to you 70 miles away, so you could fix your mistake?) Anyway, hopefully they've refilled the oil, replaced the cap, and washed the engine.

So, there you have it--all of the excitement in my life.

Happy Trails!

P.S. If you didn't notice, this blog is written in the stream of consciousness style, my personal favorite.

Halloween and Frustrations

In case you couldn't guess from the photo, I'm someone who put her finger in a light socket. I may have to shave my head to get rid of all of the ratting and the colors.

So, I've been trying since 10 a.m. this morning to get tickets to "Wicked" on the advance sale. However, there are so many people trying that the website is moving beyond slow. One time I even got the tickets reserved, but could not purchase them in the 13 minutes required, as the website is too bogged down. I have also been trying over and over and over again on the phone with no results and I am getting VERY frustrated. If any of you out there know any tricks or how else I can get tickets, please let me know. Thank you. The end.

I Laugh in the Face of Danger!

I just read an article that told me that my life may end in early demise, due to things in my house. There is a list of 10 common household items that may be dangerous. Here they are:

1. Mothballs--Whew! I don't use these because I'm too lazy, so I just let the moths eat holes in my clothes--oh wait, they are all over the place in my Grandma's house that I live in. Check.
2. Pesticides--I don't use pesticides, I just kill the bugs with my hand, shoe, or whatever heavy item is handy. Safe.
3. Pressed Wood Products--Darn it! I look at pressed wood paneling as I sit typing this. Also, all of my high-quality furniture is made of pressed wood. I may have to get another furniture supplier. Check.
4. Carpet--The article refers to new carpet. Thankfully, there has been new carpet in the house I live in for 40 years. Carpet was made better back in the day and lasted longer. Safe.
5. Laser Printers--Uh-oh. I've used laser printers since they came out. In fact, there is even a color laser printer at my house. I wonder if color laser printers give off nastier things than black and white ones.
6. Lead Paint--Check. I was born in the seventies. Duh!
7. Air Fresheners & Cleaning Solutions--I try my hardest not to clean, so that keeps those chemicals at a minimum. I don't know an air freshener strong enough to override the smell of manure, so there is no use in trying. Safe.
8. Baby Bottles--No babies now or in the near-future; however, my bottles were probably toxic, but I'm not dead yet. Check.
9. Flame Retardant. I don't own any, so I may die in a fire, but the retardant won't kill me.
10. Cosmetics. I almost never wear makeup anymore, today being an exception. The people that come into my office smell of manure and have manure on their clothes, so I consider that I look and smell better than them if I shower occasionally. Safish.

Am I going to change my ways because of this report. Not really. Will I continue using all of this cancer causing, death inducing items. Probably. Such is life. The replacements for the items probably will be found to have different death-causing tendencies, so what's the use. I'll be happy and enjoy my life full of printers, pressed-wood products, and lead-based paint.